You know...

This post is dedicated to my cousin, the cousin that is my role model.

(I wrote it on a letter, but i never had a chance to give it to her because she was so busy and i think she might just scream at me anytime...)

Dear ZZ jie,

When you walked down the aisle, i cant help but to feel that every inch of my body was filled with joy and deeply inside me, i pray that you will be happy throughout your life. Special people like you and the people in your family like Cat jie, Da yi, and uncle are people who i am willing to give up 20 years of my life for just to see each of you healthy and happy. You guys are just that special to me. Maybe I'm not the type that can portray my feelings through my actions, but i sincerely mean what i say.

You have a huge impact on my life. I am not too sure what the reason was, perhaps it was because i had once stayed with you. But yes, during the process of growing up, i learnt alot from you. I learnt that you cannot let anyone bring you down, you have to fight for what you believe and you have to be one of the best or nothing at all.

To be honest, you scream at me, ALL THE TIME, sometimes i mumble non stop after u stopped screaming at me. You always say that i screw up my o levels, you always bring me down. You always roll your eyes at me and honestly, you make me feel very lousy sometimes. You say mean things to me, you UNINVITED me to your wedding and you wanted me out of your life. I am not going to lie to you, but these words made me cry, made me whine, made me sob damn hard every time after you were mean to me. You always make me feel like everything is my damn fault, everything i did was and will be wrong. You made me feel like i was useless, worthless and certainly god's mistake. I never wanted to let you know how hurt i was every time you were mean to me, because i've always like that image of "bo chap-ness".

Why did i cry? Maybe because NO ONE ever brought me down like you did. But at the same time, perhaps NO ONE, other than my dad, said all these mean truths about me. Yes, it was the truth. You were right. I did screw up my o levels, i couldn't handle my time properly, i always forget things, i could have taken more jobs and work on weekends. You know what? YOU ARE RIGHT. Despite all the mean things you said, THEY WERE ALL TRUE. I was just sad/miserable/pathetic that somebody has to say it right to my face and bring my back DOWN to reality. I am irresponsible. I know that. But no one ever told me that right in front of my face. ONLY YOU. (Apart from my dad who is no longer around)

Despite all the mean things, when i am in trouble, you will help me with no conditions attached. You are a selfless, mean pretty woman. You always jump in and save me from the pool of crocodiles. You always trust me, but at the same time, always bring me down.

You know, to be honest, you are the one i look up to ALL THE TIME. I talk about this "amazing cousin" almost to all my boyfriends, and all of them KNOW ABOUT YOU. You are like part of my family, I know this is EXTREMELY cliche, but i love you so much. I cannot imagine losing you as my cousin, as a sister, as a mom. I miss the pep talk we always have online, meeting out for dinner, i miss telling you everything that is going on with my life, i miss you. You are the person i will honour when i get my diploma, my degree, and my future achievements.

Without you, i wouldn't have become who i am now, the person who knows what she wants, but lazy, the person who bring people down, but is always brought down by you, the person who was influenced by your personality but taken up on half of it.

Please do me a favour, be a happy woman, a happy mom in future, a happy wife, and try to let people into your heart. You know i am always there, and my lips are sealed.

Congratulations on getting married.

I cant express how happy i am for you.

Diana