Wordy post.

Sometimes i dont even know where i stand right after every miserable pain inflicted on me right straight to my heart. It was a tough and rough road i had to walk though after deciding on what i really want despite the fact that i know what i was going to go through after that. The spikes piercing through my sole was terrifying while walking alone looking for another comfort and shelter to lie on. I was drenched in my own tears weeping every moment and the flashbacks of our love kept on appearing in my mind. It was so vivid i could almost feel his heart beating next to me and the the next moment when i slapped myself awake from this dream, the feeling faded away so quickly that i yearn to sleep forever. But alas i still have to remind myself to be strong and to conquer all the factors that are actually stopping myself from eliminating him from the memory. So much for trust and forgiveness. so much.

My peers were patient with me and all my whining and emotional setbacks didnt make them irritated or whatsoever but still i promise myself not to be like this all over again. I dont want the same thing to happen to me anymore. It was so hurtful that even in my dream i can feel that cold knife stabbing my brains and it feels miserably shitty i will wake up either having a bad ass headache or tears flowing out of my eyes making me feel upset for the rest of the day. I should have heed my cousins advice to never get back together with him but being my stubborn self i decided to give it a try and hope it would actually work out but sadly no, it doesnt and it leaves the scar open and bleeding all over again. Its like a routine that happens twice and it involves you being treated by the doctor and then you pulling out the bandage and stab your own wound deeply again and then to the doctors. That is so fucking ironic and i do not deny that i didnt know the ending. I knew it. But i was stupid enough to have tried it.

When i stand in front of the mirror i see this fragile girl standing and staring right back at me. The smiles and laughs and the wonderful happy-go-lucky personality never seem to die on my side of the mirror. Everyone thinks she was happy but do they really know me? Although i must admit i never seem to cry in front of my peers and that so exciting and never boring personality always showed up when i was with someone physically. But on the other side of the mirror, where no one will never seem to see, its this girl who cries silently under her blanket and hope-ing to sleep and never wake up ever again from this world. Maybe i should just take a vacation off and head out alone exploring the world and the wonderful people. All these talk about going overseas alone actually links back to being 18. And im a year away from 18. Keep on dreaming diana. Keep on believing.

This problem about me is that i can solve and advise people on relationships but never myself. I feel so sorry for friends that are actually left heartbroken and devastated thanks to the other party. I can totally feel for them which makes my heart melt and wanna confort them. Speaking of which, cass, clara, sebas, jolene, wanyan and i think there are a few more who had suffered a recent case of being a victim of love. I texted wanyan, who is my friend for about 3 years whom i have known from audition and i didnt know about her story until she msn-ed me a few days back and replaying everything that happened between her and her ex-lover. It was really heart breaking because i can hear her heart crying when she was on the phone with me. Her voice was muffled most of the time and she was mumbling to me. That sight and scenerio was sucky and i never have wanted my friend to feel that way. I texted her today at about 2 telling her to chill out and i shall go out with her someday. Darling, Phillip is obviously playing you out. Just get a grip and move on alright. And i just read my Jolene darling's blog posts today and it was really saddedning on her and yat. I thought they would be perfect but i guess nothing is perfect afterall. I dropped her a comment and i want to catch up with her soon to give her a hug and tell her how much i loved her and she's not alone. :( Stay strong jolene darling, i'll be here for you. Now and forever, like what we wrote on the postcards. Clara darling, CD is your boyfriend for 2 years and i understand that you love him more than anything. But move on, he was already showing signs of disinterest and taking you for granted attitude. Just dont bother about him. You cry everyday for him, do you think its even worth it? No. i dont think so. To Cass & Sebas, Move on. :)

Life suck and i believe everyone agrees. So move on.


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