:)

making a choice is the toughest thing everyone would go through.
and when u make that choice,
you bear the responsibility.

im currently suffering from lung infection.
and i may be warded in the hospital for a few days of observation.

why am i so sure it is?
because i had it before.
it`s exactly how miserable i felt back then.
yes... and im going to a hospital soon.
But there`s something i need to get off my chest.

I`m very indecisive.
I only cherish what`s gone.
Like my boyfriend melvin.
I thought everything was over,
i hated our relationship.
I hated the way he controled me.

But after we broke up.
Time and time again he made me feel that,
he`s still waiting for me.
And i think he totally deserve my heart.

But it all turned out not as i expected.
We`re friends all right in game.
But everytime i see him not with me in game.
I felt my heart aching.

I thought everything was over.
Until i met melvin on sat.
i just feel that .
i still loved him.
and all the breakup nonsense,
was sorta like a cooling period.
to find out if i really loved him.

but when i told him i do.
he told me...
he didnt want this relationship anymore..

what more can i say?
loving is hard.
but letting go is harder.
if thats his decision...

i respect it.

thanks for the memories.
every moment spent with u...
every anger i vent on you.
sometimes i jus feel that.
ever since the break up..
your feelings for me fadded...
& maybe thats because u no longer give me the attention u used to give.
When we were back then together.

I`ve always belived in you when you told me you loved me..
Its not that i didnt believe you.
It`s because u never show it.
Like in maple.
you just leave me alone most of the time.
and sometimes i really wish time could turn back.
like when we call each other gf and bf.

i dont know why am i feeling this.
i feel so silly.
loving someone that doesnt bother.
loving someone that didnt wanna contact you.
loving someone so much that u wanted him to care.
every second of my heart i am feeling.
is pain and regret.

it`s 12.55pm now. 8th jan
and it had been hurting since 10 hours back..
its numb..
so numb...
so numb that when my eyes are puffy from crying.
i didnt feel anything. no sore.

i know im not a good girlfriend.
and i already told u i wanted you back yesterday.
your response was negative...
i really dont nkow what to do..

1st you told me u would wait for me till i get back to you.
but when im ready to get back to you.
you tell me you didnt want this shit anymore because you`re tired...
im feeling so confused.

i`ve never wanted to compare you with other guys,
im sorry i did.
but i`ve never loved others.
not one bit.

i know all these talk is a waste of your time.
most prob you dont even read it.
but still. i write down how i feel.
its up to you to believe it or not..

although you want me to get out of ur life..
i will...
but..
i`ll miss you...my friend...




---

my heart ached.
not because we`re not together.
its because,it`s hard to accept that,
the one u loved the most didnt love you anymore.

---

good luck to me in the hospital.
i hope im hospitalized.
so i wont have to go maple and see him ignore me.
and go msn and see my name not on his nick no more..
& im already prepared.
prepared to read in his blog...
saying that. he love me no more..