Everytime.

i am so pissed.
1stly, i hate asking my dad for allowance.
because whenever i ask him for allowance, he would KPKB!
Saying i should get a job and stop being so useless as in, go out and stuff like that everyday.
like HELLO?
I have NO SCHOOL, yet.
How the fuck you want me to go school?! when i have NO SCHOOL?
You trying to act funny?
Funny as it seems. My dad is never nice to the family.
Okay, not never, he was once nice.
Till he and mom`s relationship turned seriously sour and everything started to change.
Life`s hard for mom, really.
But sometimes. she just dont understand whats going.
I bet everyone`s family is much better than mine.

i bet it cant be worst having your father screaming and nagging at you whenever you take allowance from them.
I CANT FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE.
it sucks being the 1st child.
it sucks being a girl.
AND IT SUCKS HAVING HIM AS A DAD.

A JERK.
A FREAK.
A LOSER FOR LIFE.

i swear, that once i finish my studies in ITE/POLY,
I`ll leave you, behind.
I wont drop a tear at your funeral or feel any pain in my heart.
I`m just a fucking sperm in your fucking balls right?
if thats what you say. I swear, i wont call you dad once im financially independent.
I SWEAR.

All of you reading this shit post might be thinking.
that he`s still my dad afterall. and he feed me from young.
but what did he do?
just using some money on me thats all.

so what if we onced lived in a condo?
so what if we once owned a KTV room?
so what if we flyed overseas more than a hundred times?
so what if you give me enough allowance to spend it on almost anything?

YOU DONT HAVE THE RIGHT TO TREAT ME LIKE THIS.

You think he`s a good dad?
do you know it hurts when he say he wished he didnt give birth to me.
it hurts when he ask me to not go home and just stay outside and work as a fucking prositute?
it hurts. it hurts.
it hurted for 4 years.
and its still hurting.

you all might be thinking.
i should be immune to whatever he`s saying since its already 4 years he treated me like that.
but no. words from him always made me cry.
made me depressed and make me sad.

his words hold great power.
because it hurts to have a dad like this.
maybe you all might be thinking.
im such an ungrateful child, unfillial and disrespectful.
BUT DO YOU KNOW.
he never treated me as his child.
im just someone living in the same household as him,
and he just provide me with min expenses.
someone he threw his temper at when he`s in a foul mood.
someone who could let him scream at to vent his anger.

i wonder sometimes if it feels good seeing me cry?
i can vow and assure that, i never once NOT cry when i talk to him.
sometimes i seriously feel that i could just jump down a river and sleep forever and never wake up.
....

Enough of him. im not emo.
im just very angry.
and very very jealous of families all of you have.
life`s unfair. really...
so treasure them.

if you guys are still not convinced he`s not a good dad.
then dont be.
and dont bother bad mouthing me on how bad i am.
because you`re not me.
and you will never understand what i went through.
because its best kept in the heart.


(IM SERIOUSLY TRYING TO STOP CRYING)
& finally, i succeeded.
ok, continue writing on...

Gee, was pretty flared up and teary 10mins back then. anyway let me continue my post for today.
i swear its gonna be a long one.
for readers, here`s one juicy one for you after a long time.
(if you notice im posting rubbish all the time)
Anyway,

2ndly.
having a boyfriend brings joy to many people?
i have more than 10 boyfriends in my life.
guys are just a fucking waste of time. & money.
money for those girls who believe in "guys dont have to pay for everything"
for me, its both, time and money,

i`ve never believed in letting the guy pay for EVERYTHING you want and use or eat.
dont like it.
if the guy wanna pay for me, fine.
but as a girl. you should never let guys pay all the time la.
sometimes when guys wanna pay for me everything.
i felt like as if im being "BAO"
if you guys dont understand that word.
im trying to say like he sorta like feed you.

its not wrong for guys to pay for you la.
and i didnt say its wrong for girls to let the guys pay everything.
but for me its different.
i always look at one perspective.
frankly . i dont want the guys to control my life just because he pays for me.
i could do whatever i want and he could not stop me if i insisted because im actually independent enough to count on my own and not counting on the guy for cash or anything.

ey enough bout money issue. back to time.
GUYS ARE JUST A FUCKING WASTE OF TIME.
(ey, im not saying that i dont wanna waste time on my bf hor.)
But its true man.
whatever you do, you have to think bout your guy.
and make time for them if they wanna meet you.
(& of coz, i dont mind making time for my baobei)
im just speaking in a stupid common thinking among ladies.

oh, and i think im quite contridicting aint i?
HAHA.

anyway. for me having a bf is okay la.
i could manage my bf meanwhile :)
and here`s abit bout me and my bf.
my bf`s junjie. he`s nice and all.
and i think im a super good gf too (LOL)
i dont know why im not sensitive to whatever happens to him.
yijie once told me that i never seem to notice when junjie`s in a bad mood.
i wonder if what he said is true.
sometimes junjie attitude i aso dont wanna bother.
because 1stly, i hate attitude people.
they should just hug each other and jump off a building.
2ndly, because i dont wanna entertain people like them.

simple as that.
& thats the reason why i broke off with my ex boyfriend.
he`s more than just attitude. ( sorry yeah, but its true.... )

sometimes i wonder about what yijie told me and think if it`s true.
i guess its because im immune to my bfs la...
in the past... whenever my bf sms girls... i will KPKB like some bitch like that...
haha but now. i aso KPKB until sian liao.
so whenever girls sms junjie i just keep quiet and act as if nth happen.
frankly, it didnt affect me much la.
maybe im too used to it already.
dont wanna bother anymore of this kinda shit .
because i know if i bother i will attitude the guy and then will have quarrel and shit happen.
im tired of all these quarrels already.

my previous bf quarrel with me almost everyday can?
im sianed already.
so now, im experienced already!
know when to talk and when not to!
quarrel for wad? waste time and breath.
people sms my bf, i aso dun wanna care already.
at most feel abit insecure but still, i trust my bf..

when people sms junjie...
(and its not like those questions type of sms, EVERYDAY SMS EACH OTHER SIOL!)
i wont feel much ... just abit of insecure-ness.
but i NEVER showed attitude to junjie or never raise up this issue to him.
didnt even give him long face.
just keeping it to myself. better like this.
save arguement ;)
but after like 1 day of insecureness, you would totally adapt to this feeling and then feel ok already.
LOL. im serious! dun believe u ask junjie wad happened =x
i really didnt complain or wadever la ok.

okok.
im not a sensitive gf. im sorry.
;[

but we`re still happy together.
but sometimes i wished he wouldnt break his promise so often and ...
most of all. get together with me because he love me.
and i hope im not scared of him... i hope...

end of stry about bfs here.

...
last thing to rant.
i hate waiting for smses.
if you dont wanna sms me anymore just tell me that we`ll chat later and wanna stop smsing.
instead of staying silent and letting me WAIT for sms.
like now!!!
2.30AM already.
dont even know you reached home already anot.
not one sms from you.
you cant be bothered to tell me?
aiya, forget it.
I CANT BE BOTHERED TO KNOW EITHER.
i had enough.
next time dun wanna sms me. just tell me.
im sucha fool staying up even though i got a throbbing headache and my eye lids are practically falling on me.
grrrr.

gonna sleep.
night all, take care and god bless ya guys :)
Life`s hard. suck it up.
(hell yeah. say that to me more often and maybe i`ll be happier!)

ps ; i know i sounded like shit in the start of the post,
thats because im crying so hard about my DAD. and my bf didnt even bother bout me even if i told him i was feeling rather down. but halfway down the post, you should notice some side jokes and happiness in me already.
if you know me in real life, you wont be surprised why my mood changes so fast!.
TSK, is this post juicy enough to feed ya? =x

its not easy being me.
Because everytime you`re me,
your scars in the heart gets deeper.